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01/15/2008: "And it's your business because...?"
Before we had Dessa I thought I knew what the rudest question a person could ask was. The lead-in was always the same. "Do you have kids?" someone would ask, which is innocuous enough. It's a conversation starter thing and that's OK as far as it goes. (Although I have to tell you, for the year we were trying and the months after the miscarriage it was a painful question. I got to the point where I wanted to reply, "Dunno. Ask God," but I never did because I'm actually not that nasty in person). So after they'd ask I'd have to say no, we didn't and then invariably the killer follow-up was some variation of "Do you plan to?"
And what, pray tell, business is that of yours?
There are only a few ways that can go, if you think about it. "No, we don't plan to" leads to "how come?" and then I really get annoyed because we've gone way into Nosey-ville. There's no reason to have to justify such a decision and it's rude to raise the point.
"Yes, we do," leads to "When?" which is also inappropriate, especially if, say, you're trying monthly and waiting pleaseohpleaseGodletthisbethemonth for that damn stick to turn pink, or you're having some more critical difficulties reproductively speaking. Since presumably I don't go around advertising the state of my own plumbing or my husband's, please consider that you might be stepping on some very sore toes with your queries.
Then there's always "We haven't decided yet," which makes people look at you like you've got two heads because how did you get married without knowing if, when and exactly what genders of kids you may or may not have wanted?
The day of my father's memorial, a friend of the family cornered me and very pointedly demanded to know when I was going to give my mother a grandchild. In her opinion it was high time we got on the bandwagon, especially now that my mother had lost her husband. It was the closest I ever came to hitting one of my elders. "When are you going to have kids?" is even worse than "Do you plan to?" if only because it implies that there's something very wrong with you for your childless state. First of all, there's nothing wrong with it. Nicer people than I have gone that route and been very happy there, thank you very much. Worse, consider that such a state may not be a choice - may, in fact, be exactly where the person you are haranguing does not want to be. Your helpful reminders may very well be rubbing ground glass in the face of your conversation partner, metaphorically speaking.
So I hated that whole line of inquiry.
But there's one that's even worse once you do actually become a parent. People now feel it's their job to determine my familial plans for years to come!
"Do you have kids?"
"Yes, a seven month old."
"Oh how nice! Do you think you'll have any more?"
THUD Why do they ask this? Is one not enough? Do I look like I couldn't if I wanted to? Are you going to call someone and report me? Are you worried that I am populating the planet with my seed (a legitimate but, I assure you, wholly unfounded concern)?
I have been asked this on more occasions than I can count and it never fails to trip me up. First off, I've been in a cast for 3 months and if you think that's been Sexy Time, you my friend have never been in a cast. Also? The cast? Has NOT made it easy to care for the kid I already have. The first thing on my mind has not been, "How can I make my life even more difficult than it already is, what with the inability to go up and down stairs, the dependence on everyone else and the impossibility of driving to the store for even the simplest products (at Christmas no less). Oh I know! I'll have another baby!"
You can see where I'm going here.
So... people ask if I'm going to have another baby and I am perplexed. I haven't really even considered it. I am still recovering in a lot of ways from having the one I have. And I'm completely spellbound by her so that the idea of another one... doesn't really come up.
I dunno. I suppose it's a conversation problem in the sense that some people don't know how to make conversation. I swear to God I've never asked anyone any of these questions and I never plan to. I just don't see how it's helpful. I can and do understand asking someone if I have kids but beyond that it's just not right. Why I don't, when I will, if I can... these are the sole and only concern of me and my partner. Trust me, if I want to share, I'll share. I'm good at it, when I want to be. Just ask anyone who's bought me a martini before dinner.
Just don't buy the drink and then ask about my baby plans. I'll dump the damn thing in your lap.
Notes from a Yarn Hacker
