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08/18/2007: "End of an Era"
My summer is quickly drawing to a close and it's all happening far too quickly. I've just gotten used to the rhythms and patterns of having a baby in my life and in just a few short days I have to go back to work. On Monday, to be exact. It's unbelievable to me.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, to be honest. I'm leaving Dessa in the best possible hands - my mother's - but still. It's not a matter of who I'm leaving her with. It's the fact of leaving her at all that has me crying daily and fighting off panic attacks. How can I leave my 11 week old daughter with anyone? My 11 week old daughter. What sort of mother does that?
Most mothers, actually. This much I know. The vast majority of us don't have the luxury of staying home with our children. And I thank heaven for my mother because if we had to pay for day care I don't know what we'd do. I'd basically be going to work to pay for day care, which is going to work to pay for the privilege of going to work. Which makes no sense.
I have to admit to a certain amount of jealousy on my part. My mom stayed home with my sister and I. She chose to stay at home with us and it was a possibility for her. And now she gets to stay home with her granddaughter but I have to leave. And I don't want to, in any way. I'm so afraid of the things I'll miss. Every day Dessa does new things and amazes me more and I'm so scared that the bond we have is going to suffer because I'm not going to be there.
When I tried to explain this to Dave, when I told him, "I hate having to give her up" he pointed out that I wasn't giving her up for adoption. It's possible Dave thinks I am melodramatic. He may be right in some circumstances but I assure you that in this one I am spot on the correct dramatic level. However, I will concede that he's right; I'm not handing over the baby never to see her again. I'm actually in a good position, being a teacher, since I'll get home with plenty of time to spend with her. It's not like a corporate job where I'd pick her up at 6 pm and have an hour and a half before I was getting her in bed or anything. There are positives.
But I'm just not in a mood to look on the bright side right now. The fact is that on Monday morning things change. I have to adjust to that and I don't want to. I want to be able to look at my baby any time I want, to pick her up and hold her close whenever I feel like it, to kiss her warm little cheek and stroke her softer-than-clouds skin when I need to. To know she's OK by seeing, holding, feeling it for myself instead of by a phone call.
I'll manage, I know. It's not that I think this will break me. The hardest part about it may simply be that it doesn't break me into a thousand pieces. Because who, honest to God, who in their right mind would willingly hand this over and walk away for an instant?
Replies: 1 Comment - Go read it!
on Wednesday, August 22nd, Jeannie said
So it's Wednesday... how are you hanging in there?
Notes from a Yarn Hacker
