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08/06/2007: "Field Report"
To: Home Office
Re: 2 month check in
Agent 05312007-0714 reporting
Greetings and salutations. This report covers the Earth period known as May 31, 2007 to the current date.
Overview
Current living conditions are satisfactory. Agent 05312007-0714 (heretofore referred to as "I" or "me") resides with adult human female 1 (by self reference known as "Mommy") and adult human male 1 (self referenced as "Daddy"). This unit, known as a "family" appears to also include three small, skittish, furry creatures called "cats" and a large, enthusiastic, but oafish creature known as a "dog". The dog acts as an alarm system and companion to the adult humans. The purpose of the cats is undetermined at this time.
Daily routines are sketchy at best. It is impossible for me to determine why this is the case. It may be due to a deficiency of the humans but may well be attributable to my expected Assignment Adjustment Period. The humans don't seem to know either. They are no help in this area, though they make valiant efforts.
While my needs are being met (and occasionally exceeded - see "Clothing" addendum, attached to this report), service could be improved. My pre-programmed crying subroutine prompts correct response by the humans, but it often takes an unacceptable number of attempts on their part. I have contacted customer service in an attempt to refine the crying subroutine so that it consistently communicates my needs, but to no avail. I suspect the problem is due to inexperience on the part of the humans and is not correctable at this time.
Progress Report
As of this time, I am pursuing the following target goals:
1) Sleeping through the Earth time known as "night". This time period is characterized by a lack of natural light and the repeated utterances of "Go to sleep, my God, would you just go to sleep already?" by both "Mommy" and "Daddy". Success has been achieved in this area in the past, though I have been backsliding recently and have been waking up for sustenance at least once a night for the past week. Causes, again, are unclear but may be attributable to the phenomenon referred to as a "growth spurt".
2) Controlling appendages. These include arms, hands and legs. Virtually no progress to report in this area. I occasionally grasp an item within reach but am forced to admit that these events are completely random and totally accidental.
3) Responding to human interaction. Moderate progress has been attained here. The humans are delighted when I move my mouth into smiling position in response to their attempts to amuse me. Admittedly, their attempts are primitive but I do find some satisfaction with their entertainments and dole out smiles when appropriate. Frankly they're not that funny though, and I use great caution in rewarding them. It is hoped that the humans become more entertaining, and quickly, because if they do not the duration of my assignment is going to be extremely tedious.
Advisories
A word of caution to future agents. Be advised that the device known as "Baby Bjorn" acts as a soporific; please be extremely cautious when confronted with this device. Despite heroic attempts to resist, I have on numerous occasions been knocked into complete unconsciousness when the aforementioned "Mommy" uses it. The "Baby Bjorn" appears to liberate "Mommy's" hands and allows her to accomplish tasks such as typing, cleaning and cooking. As such it is in direct opposition to my assignment. Widespread use of this device could endanger our Great Mission to overtake Earth via inactivity caused by never being able to put us down. Immediate study is required in this area. Until an antidote is discovered, if an agent is presented with the "Baby Bjorn", evasive action is recommended. Voiding the bowels is particularly effective, though admittedly only a temporary solution.
Conclusion
I am adapting as well as can be expected and am forming bonds with humans "Mommy" and "Daddy". Trust has been established and tentative communication is being attempted. The humans appear to be trainable and I have every expectation that continued success in my overall goals will lead to further growth and expansion of my abilities. No further action on the part of the Home Office is required at this time. Updated field reports will be provided as needed.
End communication.
Notes from a Yarn Hacker
