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07/19/2007: "A Tale of Two Lawyers"
Until this year I was not someone who had had much experience in the legal arena. I've had things notarized, sure, and I went with my mother to see a lawyer about having her trust changed after my father died, but beyond sitting there and nodding I had very little to do or say. I'd never needed a lawyer for anything and never suspected I would.
That all changed, of course. In the last 5 months I've gone from having no lawyers to having two.
Actually, technically, one of the lawyers is not mine. He is Dave's. But since he and his legal whizkid team have prevented the slow and sure burning up of our life savings? I feel an affinity and closeness to him. It's understandable.
We have names for the lawyers that are not their legal names. We call them Scary Lawyer and Nice Lawyer. I sort of love Scary Lawyer, even though I haven't met him.
See, Scary Lawyer came into our lives when Dave got sued. I obviously can't say anything about the suit beyond noting that I think it's all monkey doo-doo and without merit and there is starting to be some evidence that I am correct in this belief. However, after Dave was served and subsequently contacted his insurance about the suit, his insurance company came back and said that they weren't going to cover him for various reasons and thanks for paying your premiums, but you're screwed! Haha! Bye bye! Also? You need to pay your premium again to keep the coverage we may or may not honor if you get sued again in the future. Hehehe! Little joke there! But seriously? Time to renew.
This was terrifying. Paying for a defense out of your own pocket is not cheap, people. Worst case scenario was having to pay for the defense ourselves and then having to pay for a settlement or damages or whatever completely out of our savings. We were, frankly, freaked the f*** out. We worried about losing our savings, which is not that huge but we're sort of attached to it. We worried about losing the house. And did I mention I was 6 months pregnant when we found out about all this?
Yeah. Terrifying.
So Dave went out and found Scary Lawyer. We didn't know he was scary at the time; he was just recommended. But after listening very closely to Dave, Scary Lawyer sent the scariest letter I've ever seen in my life to another person involved in the situation, telling this person to contact their insurance and have them cover Dave. The letter was all full of lawyerly terms such as "whereas" and "heretofore" and "precedent" and "we demand" (lawyers do not "request". They "demand") and it made lawyerly threats to sue and counter sue and create lots of scary problems if the "demands" were not met. And it worked! Then, to top himself, Scary Lawyer sent another letter full of precedents to Dave's original insurance, who also rethought their original denial and agreed to cover him. So Dave went from no coverage to being covered by two companies!
You can see why I'm a little in love with Scary Lawyer. We like him a lot and read everything he sends to Dave with great interest because, if he keeps this up, pretty soon the insurance companies are gonna be paying us to cover Dave. That would be a hell of a trick but I wouldn't put it past him. Scary Lawyer is that scary.
Now Nice Lawyer is a different story. I contacted Nice Lawyer a couple of weeks ago because, after Dessa's birth, I thought it was time for Dave and I to have a will and a living trust established. I wanted to formalize everything that we've verbally agreed to over the years.
So we met with Nice Lawyer two weeks ago and he walked us through all the elements of a living trust, a will, guardianship, durable powers of attorney and an advance medical directive. We sent him some information about our estate (such as it is... it's not like we're the Rockefeller's over here. But there's the house and the aforementioned life savings so well protected by Scary Lawyer) and then we met with Nice Lawyer this morning to sign everything. Again, he walked us through all the paperwork, explaining everything in Real People Language, and then we signed it all. I now have the legal power to pull the plug on Dave and he has the same for me (though Nice Lawyer pointed out that we only have this power if the person on the machine is actually incapacitated, which led to a round of Monty Pythonesque, "I'm not dead yet!" jokes. It's all gallows humor when you're signing your will, baby).
I am a little disappointed that my will is so, well, boring. I was kind of hoping I could include a Crazy Old Lady tirade about those who have wronged me and therefore were Cut Out of The Will, but you can't cut people out of a will you're just creating, so that'll have to wait. Plus, I only have one heir (that's such a weird thing to consider. I have an heir now) so there's nobody to cut out anyway. But even if I had nobody to be vindictive about, I was kind of hoping to be able to be eccentric in my will. Nice Lawyer told us about a guy he read about who, in his will, decreed that his skull should be preserved and used on stage in productions of Hamlet. The guy wanted to be the skull of Yorick in perpetuity. I think that's fantastic and am seriously considering what could be done theatrically with my own remains. I'm taking suggestions.
So now, like actual grown ups, we have wills and a trust. I am confounded by my own adulthood about this. It is beyond strange to me to have a will. I can neither be old enough nor have enough stuff to need one. And yet, of all the stuff I have, having Dessa makes it imperative to me to have my ducks in order. I don't feel any more grown up for having had a baby (for example I will still drop everything and watch Tiny Toons if they are on) but it does change things subtly. I am aware of my own mortality, of Dave's, and I am fiercely protective of my child. Plus, I am a control freak and need to know that everything is spelled out and people have to do what I say even after I'm dead. I am maybe a little bossy. Actually, let's be honest here. That's what it's really about. I want control from beyond the grave! Pull the strings! Pull the strings!
And if you don't do as I say, I have a Scary Lawyer you should talk to.
Notes from a Yarn Hacker
