07/02/2007: "Learning Curve"

Well, Dessa is now officially over a month old. Because she was born on the 31st of May, in months that don't have a 31st (September, April, June and December - and yes, I had to say that "30 days hath September" rhyme to recall them all...) we can either pick the 30th of one month or the 1st of the next to mark the date. We chose the 1st of July. Not that we had a party or anything to commemorate the event. Actually, mostly what I did was cry when I thought about how her first month has gone so amazingly fast and then I cried some more when I noticed that her sleeper fits very differently than when Dave brought it home from the store the second day she was home. We thought she'd be so much bigger than she was that we had very few newborn outfits for her to wear and she was swimming in the 0-3 month size. She still swims in many of those outfits... but fewer of them. Hence the crying. Soon she will be married.

Everybody tells you that the first month is hard but it's tough to understand just how and why it's so hard until you do it. The screwed up sleep schedule is part of it, for sure, and that does get better. Last night we got Dessa to sleep at around 10:30 pm, crawled in our own bed at around 11 pm and everyone actually slept until 5:20 am. When I realized how late it was I almost freaked out ("Is she OK??? Why didn't she wake up earlier!?"), but then realized that Dessa, by definition, had to be fine because she was screaming for breakfast - that's what woke us all up.

Anyway, the sleep deprivation is part of it. You're utterly exhausted from the birth, in a good deal of discomfort or outright pain, and you're not going to get any extended sleep for weeks. It feels like you're going crazy, and in no small way, you are. Because the hormone fairy, in the big performance that she's been waiting a lifetime to dump on you, arrives with a scary ass dose of Instant Insanity. If you thought you had cornered the market on worrying during your pregnancy? It will not hold a candle to the worrying you will do in the weeks after giving birth. EVERYTHING becomes scary after you give birth. For example, Dessa wakes herself up when placed on her back in a crib and she sleeps much better in the bouncy chair. Consequently, so do we. We're working on it, but for now she sleeps at night swaddled in the bouncy chair and likes it quite well.

The first night I gently set her down in the chair, buckled her in, spent 5 full minutes futzing with the blanket around her so it was nowhere near her nose and then moved everything in a 6 foot radius that could, in the event of an earthquake, fall on or near her. Honest to God, in retrospect, I was moving things that, if they fell over in an earthquake I'd have a LOT more to be worried about because it would take a hell of an earthquake to move them. But you don't think that way at the time. It makes perfect sense... at the time.

That's not the only example of worrying, of course. I worried about everything and still do worry about quite a bit that I have no control over. That said, I do feel I'm much better than I was the first few weeks. I still cry for no reason, but only every few days instead of every two hours. The hormone fairy is slowly leaving town and good riddance to her.

So you've got sleep deprivation and hormones going for you. And then there's the fact that you've become a slave to this tiny little dictator who doesn't speak your language and with whom, in fact, you have no commonalities at all. There is no middle ground with a newborn. You can't even point to a bottle and raise your eyebrows in an inquisitive look to see if she's hungry like you could with a normal person who doesn't speak your language. She has one mode of communication - crying - and you have a very small range of possible responses. Hurt, hungry, wet, tired or lonely - those are the basic five to choose from. And God help you if it's "tired" because when a baby is overtired and wants you to know it? It's going to go on for a while. They don't seem to understand that crying about being overtired is easily remedied, i.e. Go To Sleep. Babies seem to think that when they are overtired it is their sworn duty to tell you about it in the loudest and longest possible crying jag they can muster up.

I tell you, it doesn't make any damn sense.

So now, along with being tired and crazy, you're quickly becoming convinced that your child is miserable, and anyone, anyone could comfort her better than you. Probably you have already screwed this child up in ways that will take years of therapy to overcome and it's only her two week birthday. This, in itself, is an exhausting thing. Taking care of a newborn is every bit as emotionally exhausting as it is physically exhausting and I think that's the part that people forget to tell you about. There's all these doubts and fears and this overwhelming love that just knocks you out. I've never been so emotionally full in all my life. And it doesn't let up.

Then I couldn't breastfeed. Not being able to nurse Dessa was the worst - absolutely the worst - thing that happened in this first month, and it was a doozy. Along with the fatigue and hormones, the fight I was having with my boobs heaped an unhealthy slathering of guilt, disappointment, anger, frustration and shame on top of an already precarious mothering situation. I was, to be quite honest, in the Bad Place and it would have been very easy to slip into a real depression. I was teetering.

One thing we've learned about Dessa (and we have learned several things this month, thank God) is that she is a cuddler. She prefers to be held and, if that's not possible, to be swaddled and tucked up in or next to something (see "bouncy chair", above). This, as you can probably imagine, puts a distinct cramp in one's style - it is hard to do much of anything when holding an 8 pound newborn in your arm(s). And she notices when she's set down and starts crying, which breaks my heart. I remember one night, after trying to put her to sleep for over two hours, just sitting on the bed with her in my arms and whining to Dave, "I can't put her down!" I distinctly felt like, "You've taken my sleep and my sanity... why must you take my arms as well??"

Enter the Baby Bjorn.

People, this thing has saved my life. My friend Sage loaned me hers because they are wicked expensive but I would go out and buy one in a heartbeat if I had to. Some babies, I suppose, don't like them, but Dessa is crazy about this thing. Basically it's a front pack that holds the baby to your chest and distributes the weight along your upper back very comfortably. I'm wearing it right now and have been for hours. We went to the grocery store today and ran errands with it and she sleeps like a log in it.

I have both hands free, she's happy as a clam and I can look down and check on her as often as my panicked little heart desires (I admit to checking her at least 3 times at Safeway to make sure she was still breathing. What? I admitted to the crazy earlier).

It's been a hell of a month. We've gotten a bit of a schedule going, we're learning what Dessa's different cries mean and Dave and I have a teamwork thing going that is working really well. I've worked through a lot of my anxiety and disappointment over the Great Breastfeeding Crisis of 2007. I'm resigned to bottle feeding, if not exactly thrilled by it, and there are some benefits. Dave has been able to do the early morning feeding ("second shift" as we call it), which gives him some bonding time with Dessa and gives me some sleep. I'm not hurting anymore and Dessa is growing well (don't remind me how she's growing. I will cry). But even if I can't breastfeed my daughter, I can wear her often and it's something we both enjoy. She is close to me, I am close to her, we are both content - and I can do things too.

I guess we're learning what makes everyone happy.

Replies: 1 Comment - Go read it!

on Tuesday, July 3rd, Barb said

So glad things are begining to settle into a routine. My daughter loved the tummy pack also. Did all my housework and errands that way. I soooo miss you all. Wish I could offer a hand but it's kind of difficult from here. Hope to see you soon. Take care and try to keep your sanity.
Love you.
Barb

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07/02/2007: "Learning Curve"