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04/18/2007: "20 Things I Will Do After the Baby Comes"
1. Eat some pizza. The lack of pizza is killin' me over here!
2. Drink a glass of champagne. Possibly I will do this first. After I breastfeed the child, of course. And just one glass because now? I am a lightweight.
3. Take a steaming hot bath. Probably I will last 5 minutes in said bath before the baby starts crying but goddamn it, I will enjoy those 5 minutes. Perhaps I will bring the champagne with me. And the pizza.
4. Have dessert. I have not yet settled on what type of dessert I shall have. Probably several. No. Definitely several.
5. Stuff all my gestational diabetes supplies in the deep dark dank back of my linen closet where they belong because if I never see a test strip or a lancet again it'll be too soon.
6. Stand on a ladder. I have been strictly forbidden from ladders since day 1 of the pregnancy by my mother. In fact, last week I was using a step stool to hang some curtain rods and Dave answered a phone call from Mom and handed it over to me saying, "Kristin, come down from that ladder and talk to your mother" and I think Mom lost 6 years off her life. It took far too long to explain that I wasn't on a ladder and that Dave is just a jerk.
7. Go out for dinner. There is precious little reason to go out to eat these days - everything is bad for me. Unless perhaps you know an eggs and pita bread restaurant? But why pay for what I can so easily access at home?
8. Wear shoes with laces. I cannot bend over to tie laces anymore and while this isn't an everyday requirement, I'd like to wear something other than slip-ons again.
9. Sleep on my stomach. 'Nuff said.
10. Fold laundry without searing pain in my back. It would seem like this is a gimme, but the lean down-twist-turn-fold pattern of laundry folding makes my sciatica act up something bad. In fact, just about any activity makes the sciatica act up. I hate my sciatica.
11. Avoid eggs like the plague. I have vowed not to eat a straight egg for 6 months after Dessa arrives. I do not think this is unrealistic.
12. Have a glass of fruit juice. I have 5 lovely bottles of grape juice that Dave bought me for Valentine's Day that I cannot touch because of the GD. They mock me from the wine rack. They will be mine again.
13. Get through one night without having to get up to pee. I realize that I'll be trading my pee time for feeding and diaper changing time, but it is a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It's humiliating to have to roll out of bed and rush to the bathroom for the trickles that I wind up with.
14. Stay up past 10 pm, like a real grown up. Eventually. Again, I realize that Baby Schedule might necessitate odd bedtimes for a while but someday I hope to actually watch The Daily Show in it's real timeslot instead on the next day on TiVo. It'll be a sign of womanhood.
15. Have a chocolate raspberry martini. Between the alchohol and the sugar? That's one drink that has been so strictly forbidden to me that I suspect it'll be like a hit of crack when I finally get one. Yuuuuum (the drink, not the crack)!
16. Lie on my back. It won't hurt anymore and I won't constantly wonder if I'm depriving my baby of essential oxygen. I worry like that, doncha know.
17. Have enough dinner that I feel actually full. These days I eat a bit, feel done and then 10 minutes later I'm hungry again because I couldn't really eat enough the first time. But by the time I'm hungry again I have to eat just protein because I've already exhausted my meager carb quota and there are only so many chicken legs and eggs you can stomach. It's a vicious cycle. Some filler like bread, pasta or rice would be heavenly. Especially bread, which I miss viciously.
18. Have something - ANYTHING - but scrambled eggs and half a whole wheat muffin for breakfast. I'm sick to death of it but it works for my numbers and I'm scared to start messing with what works. French toast will probably be first on the list and then I may branch out to daring things like oatmeal and cold cereal. Speaking of which...
19. Drink a glass of milk! How I miss my ice cold milk! Mayhaps I shall add a cookie to the side and really go hog wild.
20. Hold that baby until someone pries her outta my arms with a crowbar. After all this? I'll have earned the right.
Notes from a Yarn Hacker
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