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01/19/2007: "Thinking outside the uterus"
A few entries ago I said something about worrying about this pregnancy having become second nature to me. That's still very true. Every odd twinge, painful cramp, stretched muscle, craving, extra gas - whatever it is gets me worried. Am I peeing too often or not often enough? Am I thirsty because I don't drink water during class time so I don't have to run to the bathroom during lectures or because I'm becoming diabetic? Does my back ache because I've been slouching on the couch or because I'm going into premature labor? Am I eating too many egg salad sandwiches? How much is too much egg salad? Because I really seem to have hit full stride in the egg salad phase of pregnancy and I worry that this kid is going to come out clucking.
This sort of thinking does not bode well for my sanity.
Last night was a doozy. I woke up in the middle of the night around 1:15 to go to the bathroom (this is the normal time for me - 11 pm, 1:15 am, and 5:20 am. Like clockwork. One might suggest that I drink less before bed but... please see concern over thirst, above. Also? My skin has turned part-crocodile since I got pregnant. I must hydrate lest I shrivel into a wad of dust before the third trimester). Anyway, when I woke up and rolled over, I noticed that one butt cheek felt cold - really weird. It's not like my fanny was hanging out of the bed or anything! It was a damp cold, too, like I'd been lying on a wet towel.
Half asleep and in the dark, I went to the bathroom and when I returned to bed, I ran a hand over the sheets and noticed a wet spot about 6 inches around. Panicked, I turned on the light, convinced I was bleeding. When I miscarried, I woke in the middle of the night to blood and of course, that's the first place I went. The light revealved that the spot wasn't blood, but the bed was definitely wet. I checked myself... no detectable leaks. So what's up with that?
You need to understand here that sneezing? Has become an exercise in muscle control for me. Dave laughs at me when I sneeze now because it always is followed by a trip to the bathroom to... tidy up. If you get my drift. And I think you do. I cannot wait for the third trimester! Wheee!
But I digress, because although that was a suggested possible explaination, I hadn't been sneezing in my sleep. I don't even know if you can do that, but I know I wasn't. So what was the deal on the wet area?
Dave came in (he was downstairs watching TV) and I showed him the spot, horrified. He suggested I fold up a towel and try to sleep - if there was a new spot on top of the towel it was me, if not, it was something else. I got the towel but there wasn't going to be any sleep for me until I figured this out. So we lay there for about 30 minutes while I tried to piece togther what the heck had happened. Had I wet the bed while I slept? Was I leaking amniotic fluid? Should I call the doctor? And why couldn't I find any source for this?
Progressively more and more freaked out, at 1:45 I had to go to the bathroom again so I got up. When I came back to bed, there was *another* spot about 4 inches across but higher up on my side of the bed, under where my chest would have been. This was completely shocking - how could I not know that had happened? For another 30 minutes we tried to figure out what the heck was going on. Was I leaking colostrum? No. Incontinence? No - I would have known since I was awake. Did it get there when I sat up and slid out of bed (a not graceful prospect for me these days)? If something was wrong and my water had broken, how could I be leaking amniotic fluid and not feel it? And how did the spot get so high on the bed????
About 20 minutes later I got up to find my pregnancy books to see if there was any clue in them. No dice, but when I came back to bed, one of the spots had gotten bigger! And there was a new spot that was not there when I'd left the bed. There were spots everywhere! And all of a sudden it hit me - it couldn't be me leaking if I wasn't in the bed.
The waterbed.
Which must have sprung a leak in the night.
Of course, I need to jump in here and mention that Dave had brought this up as a possibility about eleventy-nine times. But I, in my pregnancy induced delirium, could not wrap my mind around the idea of anyone or anything leaking in my home but me. It was all about me, people. In the worst way possible.
Bien sur, when we opened the bed, we found that we clearly have a leak in one of the tubes. I cried with relief, thrilled to have to spend several hundred dollars on a new mattress if it meant Tycho was OK. After all, you can buy a new mattress but a new cervix is a much more problematic prospect.
So what did we learn today, class? Dave would argue that the lesson was "Listen to Dave". When we figured out the source of the water he pointed out that what he really needed was a show called, "How to Test Theories Until the Mystery is Solved" and I pointed out that really it should be called "The Dave Thinks He's Always Right Show" and the ratings would be lousy because people, especially pregnant people, don't need that sort of aggravation, so perhaps, you know, no.
But I think the real lesson, at least for me is: try to think outside the uterus. Every strange thing that happens is not, contrary to the way my brain works, immediately and directly related to the pregnancy. Of course, this is easier said than done, since every waking minute of mine is spent worrying about this baby. And I know that this sort of thinking is never, ever going to stop until I am dead because now I have entered The Mommy Zone and there is no coming back. None. I am finished. So I can either accept that and try to work with it or I can drive myself to an early grave stressing out about everything and not looking at the wider picture. I don't think I really want to live like that, but I'm also not convinced that I know how to slow down and think any other way.
Plus, it seems like a reasonable thing to start to worry when you're going through egg salad at a fantastic clip and it just keeps getting better and better. That's the sort of thing you should O.D. on eventually.
Sort of like worrying.
Notes from a Yarn Hacker
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