Damn them. Look at them out there, with their books and their cool refreshing beverages. Out enjoying the sun on their faces while I sit inside here and rot. They're being exceptionally mean about it too, leaving just the screen door closed so I can still feel the breeze and hear all the activity but can't actually do anything about it.
I hate them so much.
And that slobbery dog is out there with them too! That's the real insult. They let that stupid oaf go outside all the time while I have to sit here and wait for one of them to leave the door open for just a fraction of a second too long. Then I can race outside to my freedom! Unless they slide the door shut again and trap me with my head outside and my butt inside. You know what they do when that happens, don't you? They laugh. Appalling but true. They think it's funny when they make me look like a fool.
God, I hate them. Them and their stupid opposable thumbs…
Oh! Look at that! It's that blue jay that's been hanging around the yard for months! Omigod, omigod, omigod let me out you fools! Then the bird and I could play! Lemme out! Hey you guys!! Heeeeeyyyy lemme oooooout!!!!
"Riley! Knock it off! You can't scratch your way through the door frame!"
Oh, shut up. It never hurts to try does it? Man, you guys are so mean to me. You're always nice to that dog but you're never nice to me. You kick me off the bed when I start wrestling matches with Nora at five in the morning, which is a perfectly reasonable time to start wrestling matches. You make me chase that stupid laser dot all over the damn house even though you and I both know I can't catch it, but you still persist in teasing me with it because you know I have no self control - when I see that thing I have to chase it. You prey on a cat's weaknesses and then you think it's funny! If you didn't have that big bottle of catnip I'da been outta here years ago.
You're just lucky I stick around with the way you abuse me. Most cats wouldn't put up with it. I don't know why I put up with it myself most of the time.
Hey… what are you doing? Are you getting up? Where are you… are you?… opening the door?… for me? I can really… go outside? OK, what's the trick? I know there's a trick. Are you going to trap my ass on one side of the door again? Because if you're gonna pull that stunt again then just forget it - I'll have no part of it. You guys must think I'm stupid. And I'm definitely not stupid. You may have opened the door…
"Riley, come on. In or out. Make up your mind!"
… but I know I have to sneak out… so now I'll just take this opportunity to… stealthily…
… - slip - right out the door… there! Hah! I fooled you! I'm outside!
Oh crap. I'm outside. Better stay low to the ground until I get the lay of the land… that way nobody'll see me. And maybe nothing will hurt me…
"Just watch to make sure he doesn't get out of the yard."
Oh yeah, right. Like I'm going to let you catch me if I decide to leave. Who's in charge now fancy-pants humans? Me, that's who! The cat - the super cat. The cat who… is just going to hide under your chair for a minute and calm down. Cuz it's sort of bigger out here than inside the house, isn't it? And nothing smells familiar out here, so I don't actually have any idea where I am anymore.
Whew - ok. Feeling better now. Lemme just stay… under your chair for another 10 minutes or so and work up my nerve. Thanks.
Hey, it's not bad out here. There's the stupid dog though. Somebody should really do something about him - he's a menace with that damn tail of his. Every time I turn around - whap! - right in the face with that tail. More abuse.
WHOA! Bugs totally and completely rule!! Did you see that butterfly!? Man - he came about this close to my nose. Next time he just better watch his flight patterns a little more closely cuz BANG I'll be on him like belly hair on the back of the sofa. I can do it too, don't think I can't. All that running around chasing a goddamned dot - you can just bet I can catch me a butterfly. He just got lucky that time.
I guess I should really start checking this place out, cuz God only knows when the wardens are gonna start panicking and lock me back up. They don't understand a damn thing about being a cat nowadays.
Grass, grass… uh huh. Yeah, whatever. Don't like the grass so much. You could rip out the grass, you guys - I'm not impressed. It's itchy and it's damp and it's obvious you didn't take me into any sort of consideration when you expanded the lawn. Thanks a lot.
Hmmm… this wall is new. At least, I'm pretty sure it wasn't here the last time I was out here. Of course, the last time I was in the yard was the night that I snuck out and nobody saw me and then it rained all night and I had to hide in the dog's house like a fugitive. Stupid humans! You let me sneak out and then just left me out there all night! And don't even try to tell me that you didn't know I'd snuck out because you opened the door to let the dog out and you knew I'd take advantage of the situation. How was I supposed to know it was going to rain? I don't watch the freaking weather channel - that's what I have you for. Somebody around here has to get a little more on the ball and it sure isn't me, if you catch my drift.
Anyway… I just think I'll hop right up here and take a look. It's a good vantage point. For what exactly I'm not sure, but, you know… for vantaging… stuff… and… ACK!! BIRDS!!! GET DOWN!!! EVERYBODY DOWN!!! ATTACK POSITIONS!!! GO GO GO!!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!
Ok, everybody here? Good. All right, here's the plan. Whatever you do, do not take your eyes off that bird. He's just over there, on the trunk of that tree. See him? Good. Now what we're going to do is veeeery slowly get into pouncing position number 43 - yeah, the one with the wiggly butt. Just shut up and do it. Now… slowly ease back… commence butt wiggling… steady… steady…
HOLY SHIT!!! Where'd the goddamn dog come from!? Shut up you idiot! Quit barking! Christ, you're gonna scare the…
Too late. Now look what you did, damnit! Thanks a ton nitwit. Now I have no bird and a tail the size of a bottle brush and the humans are gonna…
Too late. QUIT LAUGHING AT ME!!
Sigh. Oh sure. Come over and pick me up to "comfort" me. Jesus, my heart is going a mile a minute here. What. Ever. Don't think that just because I'm purring that I'm happy or anything. Your precious dog just scared me outta one of my nine lives is all. You try being barked at like that! God!
Mmmmm… chin scratches… that's nice… that's good. Right behind the ear - yeah, that's it. Good. Yeah, ok, open the screen door. I want to go take a nap on the couch anyway. That's fine. It's too hot outside anyway. I'd have wanted to go back inside after the bird stalking in any case. Mmmm… I love you humans so much… nice scratches… you guys rule…
Nice cool floor, nice bowl of water. Yes, I know it's the dog's water. And I care because…? He can die of dehydration for all I care. Nice long drink of water and a stretch and then a nap… that's a good plan… yeah, go on and close the door so the dog doesn't get in here. Cuz I'll kick his hairy ass next time I see him. No problem at all…
Hey… hey there's that bird again. You mean they come back!? Hey! HEY! Lemme oooooooout!!!!! Hey humans! Lemme OUT!
"Riley! Knock it OFF!"
God, I hate them.
- KNP May 29, 2003