Author's Note: This essay was written before the tragic Thunder Mountain accident on Sept 5, 2003 in which 22-year-old Marcelo Torres was killed. The man died through absolutely no fault of his own - the investigation report concluded that there were errors in Disney's maintenance of the ride that resulted in the accident. My deepest sympathies go out to the Torres family and all who were injured in that accident.
I've been in a morbid mood this week. There's no real reason for it, it's just been a slow week all around and I've been surfing the web more than I really need to. The World Wide Web is a fantastic resting place for all kinds of useless information, as well you know. When I'm in a morbid mood I go looking for sick things to back up my morbidity. And then I laugh my ass off at them. It cheers me. The World Wide Web is the perfect place to pursue my search for hilariously gruesome bits of trivia.
Take, for instance, the complete list of injuries and deaths at Disneyland. I'm fully aware that it's wrong to laugh at the misfortune of others, ok? However, the vast majority of the accident reports indicate what we in the software industry euphemistically refer to as "user failure", which generally means that the guy using the feature (or ride, in this case) screwed up big time and practically got on his hands and knees to beg for all the demented trouble he got. Up to and including an ignoble death.
For example: dying on The People Mover? Not the most dignified death to be found. Until it was removed a few years ago for being old and boring, the People Mover was one of the slowest damn rides in the park! How could you be killed while riding the freaking People Mover!? It's like saying your uncle drowned while riding "It's A Small World". Insulin shock I might believe, but drowning is right out! Nonetheless there have been not one but two separate deaths on the People Mover, one in 1967 and another in 1980. Both times the "victim" (and I use the term loosely) had completely disregarded the safety spiel, crawled out of his People Mover vehicle and was wandering around on the track - until he was crushed by an oncoming car. Crushed by an oncoming People Mover, my friends. A horrific way to die, certainly, but also very funny. Think about it - death by People Mover. The People Mover of Doom! Ride the Perilous People Mover at your own risk!
The image is far more ridiculous than it should be, given that people actually died. I shouldn't find it funny, but I do. Unless it was your brother who was crushed, in which case you have my deepest sympathies for having such moronic genetic material floating around in your family tree.
Before you think me a heartless bitch (which I am, but not in the way you're thinking), rest assured that I'm properly appalled by genuine accidents. When people are injured or killed through bizarre mishaps that are no fault of their own I'm as disturbed as the next person. It's the people who are maimed or killed because they couldn't or wouldn't follow simple directions and took actions that a cockatiel would know were stupid that I have no sympathy for. I laugh at those people. Heartily. That may still be wrong of me since they have in fact performed a genuine service in removing themselves from the gene pool and we should be grateful to them for their heroic sacrifice, but if they hadn't met the Grim Reaper at an amusement park you can just bet that a vending machine would have fallen on them or some such. Danger lurks everywhere to the common sense impaired.
Getting back to the deadliest place on earth, you'll be gratified to know that there have been no water related incidents on It's A Small World. People instinctively seem to know how to remain seated and keep their hands and arms inside the boats, I guess. Either that or the obsessively repetitive safety warnings actually have an effect. Apparently some people need to be told continuously what not to do or else what little brains they have float right out of their heads. "Please remain seated and keep your hands and arms… no, I said remain seated with your hands and arms inside… no! Sit down! Sit DOWN I said. Thank you. GET your hands and arms INSIDE the boat right NOW mister! And you! In the yellow boat! Yes YOU! SIT DOWN!"
Even with continuous safety warnings, some people are determined to die at Disneyland. Several years ago, after a fight with his girlfriend, a kid tried to fling himself out of a Skyway tram (also known as "the buckets") but was restrained by his buddies. Instead of exiting the ride and bringing the boy to a clinic of some kind to work through his desire to catapult himself out of an overhead transportation system and plunge to his death, his friends took him on the Matterhorn. Predictably, halfway through the ride the boy stood straight up and bashed into the mountain. If you've ever been on the Matterhorn, you're probably cringing right now and thinking, "Man - that's gotta hurt!" And you're right. He died 4 days later.
Now it's sad that this boy was so distraught about his girlfriend that he wished to die, but his way out of emotional pain seems pretty rash. All the suicide prevention warning-sign pamphlets will tell you that if a suicidal person has a method, it's a serious situation. So this kid's upset and he can't take anymore and he decides that if he fights just one more time with Debbie the only way out of his torture is to end it all. But how? He has no rope to hang himself, can't stand the sight of blood so wrist-slitting is out, and his parents don't own a gun. But wait! He's going to Disneyland the next day and there are a million ways to die at the happiest place on earth.
His method... is Disneyland, people. If someone I knew seemed suicidal and I asked if they had a method and they said, "Yes. Disneyland" I just wouldn't be able to take them seriously. Cliffs, car exhaust, drowning, sure, but not the House of Mouse. The tragedy of the story isn't so much that this kid committed suicide at Disneyland but that someone may have been able to help him but was laughing too hard at his proposed method to intervene.
The Disney legacy of death and dismay doesn't end at Disneyland, of course. Oh no. The Disney Company owns numerous properties that are all full to bursting with temptations that entice ever more foolhardy behavior from the general public. Why, just two years ago a man exited the Slash Mountain log ride halfway through the attraction and was struck by - you guessed it - an oncoming log. "How did my Daddy die, Mummy?" "He was... struck down [sob] in the... prime of his life... by a log! Why, oh dear God why couldn't he have stayed seated until the ride came to a full and complete stop!?"
The anguish of those left behind after these incidents cannot be underestimated. Spouses waking up in lonely beds, constantly questioning how they could possibly have married someone so dumb... children lying sleepless through the night, terrified that someday they too will be mowed down by attraction vehicles given their genetic predisposition to imbecilic actions...
All this contemplation of death and dismemberment on excursions meant to entertain the masses has me thinking about attractions that haven't yet led to anyone's untimely demise but could. Cal-OSHA should certainly look into the potential for bodily harm posed by King Arthur's Carousel. Those gaily painted prancing white ponies are bloody death in disguise. Anyone could take a nasty spill from dizzying heights of well over four feet and be killed instantly! Not to mention the potential to be flattened by anxious 5-years-olds in their mad dash to secure the steed of their choice. And the Carousel is just the beginning, my friends. The pure irresponsibility shown by the presence of Autopia in the Magic Kingdom boggles the mind. Imagine - a freeway right smack in the center of a busy amusement park! The temptation to simply stop the car, remove the flimsy safety belt and walk back to the beginning of the ride must be fought at every turn! The piece de resistance, of course, is the Haunted Mansion. Its sinister and formidable interior insures that guests will panic and begin clawing their way through the safety bar that is lowered by an unseen but clearly malevolent hand. It is only a matter of time until we hear the shocking tale of a park guest who does just that, only to be cut down in the prime of life by an oncoming and appropriately named Doom Buggy.
Any attraction with moving parts looms with deadly possibility, just waiting to snatch the sweet life from the hands of Disneyland guests. Standards must be put in place to protect the public from the menace that is the theme park attraction. We must be protected from ourselves and it is the job of a responsible park operator to ensure our safety. I propose that everyone be subjected to an IQ test before entering the park. That would make life a little simpler for all of us and has the added bonus of culling out people who come to a sudden stop in front of you while walking.
Think about it. The life you save may be your own.
- KNP July 5, 2003
Someone is sicker than I am when it comes to death at Disney...
The wonderful Urban Legends page explains declarations of death on Disney property.
