{mid-morning}
Kristin: So on the message board I read there's a message about Richard Chamberlain. "Did you see him on "Dateline"? I had no idea he was gay!!!!!!!!!!" Um, hi. I'd like to point something out. Richard Chamberlain? WAY gay. ALWAYS gay. Gaydar alert gay, ok, my friend? Where have you been?
Brat: True. It was front page on People or some such when I was in the store the other day. My reaction? "Oh. Well, good for him for coming out. Did I forget the milk?"
Kristin: I have no idea why this is news. People were surprised by this? If Samuel L. Jackson came out, I'd be surprised. But Richard Chamberlain? Not so much with the surprised.
Brat: Samuel L. Jackson will now be knocking on your door to kick your ass for even considering such a thing.
Kristin: Yeah, that's true. But it would be a surprise, no?
Brat: Yes, most definitely.
Kristin: "A Royale with cheese... and could you bend over for a moment? I need to get REALLY medieval on your ass..."
Brat: roflmao!
{later that afternoon}
Kristin: Goddamn... I could have sworn I just heard a voice
Brat: People are hearing things. One of my coworkers heard a ringing noise.
Kristin: There's nobody around me. That was weird.
Brat: You're all going mad! Mad!
Kristin: Apparently. Yesterday I had a complete and utter "Lost Weekend" moment when I became thoroughly convinced that I was covered with teeny weeny spiders. You know what set that off? A single solitary teeny weeny spider on my arm... and the wind.
Brat: Um.... oh dear.
Kristin: It happens every time I find a creepy bug on me.
Brat: You're such a girl.
Kristin: I know. I was out in the backyard throwing my arms this way and that and dancing around in my chair and praying to God that Dave couldn't see me, cuz how was I going to explain the Spiderpalooza to him?
Brat: LOL
{then things get really slow at the office}
Kristin: Hey, I'm checking out a list of weekend events all over the Bay Area until the end of the year. Some of them are pretty damn funny.
Brat: So what's happening this year?
Kristin: Well, we have The Festival at the Cement Ship in Aptos. Y'know… a cement ship doesn't really sound like the *best* idea...
Brat: No…
Kristin: But they're having a cakewalk, so you know it's party.
Brat: Party city!
Kristin: For a $75 admission fee you can get into the TomatoFest in Carmel.
Brat: $75???? FOR TOMATOES??????
Kristin: Yeah. You know, for a $5 admission fee, I'll let you into my backyard and hand you a tomato. We can call it a Fest.
Brat: Thanks, that sounds like more fun. You, after all, let me drink for free.
Kristin: You know it.
Brat: Speaking of parties, go to this site. It's a whole list of the rhymes about the month you get married in.
Kristin: Hmmm…so... according to this you can basically get married anytime. Except July.
Brat: Yeah... weird huh?
Kristin: My parents got married in July so I don't buy that one.
Brat: Supposedly the *real* rhyme for May is "Marry in the month of May, you will live to rue the day". Never marry in May.
Kristin: I wanted to. But we couldn't get a hall.
Brat: Good thing. May is bad for weddings.
Kristin: It's popular though.
Brat: But unlucky.
Kristin: I'm not so sure I buy into the lucky/unlucky thing. I mean, if you marry a jerk, he's a jerk no matter what month you marry him. I was supposed to marry Cheese Boy in February, and apparently that would have made him less of a boner than he was.
Brat: Yes yes, Ms. Rational. May is the month of the Goddess' wedding, though. Don't compete with the Goddess, is all I'm saying.
Kristin: Some girls just can't handle competition.
Brat: This text is funny: "Don't couples deserve more than a McWedding with cheese? And don't guests deserve a more scintillating show?"
Kristin: What kind of show?
Brat: I'm getting to that. But before I do, I'd like to point out that if you had married Cheese Boy it really would have been a McWedding with cheese. Heavy on the mayo.
Kristin: It would have been a disaster with cheese, I'll give you that.
Brat: {giggle} Did you know that bridesmaid's dresses are supposed to repel evil?
Kristin: Because they scare the evil away??
Brat: S'what I'm thinking.
Kristin: Because as far as I can tell, that's all they're good for. Oh, and they also scare single men away. Not that I'm looking. But I've noticed a correlation.
Brat: In European tradition, bridesmaids and groomsmen had to defend the bride and groom from thugs and warriors. Now that sounds like fun to re-enact at a wedding.
Kristin: LOL - that would be fun! Why are you perusing the wedding sites? Slow afternoon?
Brat: I just followed a single link and it's an article and I'm just killing time. Oh look! The kiss symbolizes the swapping of souls - ewwwwww.
Kristin: Oh UGH.
Brat: It's bad enough you're swapping spit, but souls??? Yeesh.
Kristin: That gives me the willies. What if there's no tongue? Does that make the marriage unconsummated? Like... uncon-soul-ated?
Brat: roflmao
Kristin: The bride would be incon-soul-able.
Brat: Stop it!
Kristin: Yes, I think I will.
Brat: Do you know the origin of the term "to toast the bride and groom"?
Kristin: If you tell me there's something about roasting them over a fire until they're caramel colored, I'll drive down there and forcibly remove you from your computer.
Brat: No, no, no.
Kristin: Good.
Brat: It's from the French custom. A piece of toast is placed at the bottom of the wine glass before the wine is poured in. The glass is passed around, everyone takes a drink, and the person who gets the last gulp also has to eat the crouton.
Kristin: The French? Are insane.
Brat: Yes.
Kristin: How completely unhygienic.
Brat: I know it. Ok, try this one from ancient England. Friends of the groom would rip off their socks and throw them. The first one to hit the groom's nose would be the next to get married. That's another one I'm adding to my list of customs I want at my next wedding.
Kristin: LOL - that's perfect! Why didn't we find that in time for my wedding!?
Brat: I know!!
Kristin: What with the soul swapping and the wine soaked toast and the flying socks it would have been quite the memorable fete!
Brat: And the warriors and thugs! And - ooo- the swords! The bride stands on the right so that the groom can grab his sword without harming her if someone, I dunno, rushes them or something.
Kristin: God... what a party.
Brat: Hehe!
Kristin: All I had was the Chicken Dance.
Brat: Which was awesome.
Kristin: It was, but it can't hold a candle to the sock throwing.
Brat: Yes, true. Every time I visualize that I giggle. Madly.
Kristin: Who wouldn't? That's the silliest image of the week. Sock throwing thugs and their swords. Next Geraldo.
Brat: {giggle} A Swedish tradition is that the bride's shoes remain unfastened, to symbolize easy childbirth in the future.
Kristin: Because as we all know, the instep is critical to uterine contractions.
Brat: Yes, childbirth might be easier, but walking down the aisle in unfastened shoes? Deadly. I mean, I tripped walking down the aisle at your wedding, and I wasn't even wearing a damned train.
Kristin: hehe
Brat: Oh get this! Cajuns are mean!
Kristin: They burn things…
Brat: "Siblings of the bride and groom have to dance in an empty hog's trough until it breaks."
Kristin: The holy hell? WHY?? What the heck would that symbolize?
Brat: Luck.
Kristin: Luck? Whose luck?
Brat: Hang on… looking back. Yep. For good luck - hehehe!
Kristin: You know, I'm starting to suspect that some of these customs were just things that happened once, at really drunken receptions.
Brat: I think you're right
Kristin: LOL
Brat: Ok, so the next time you go to a wedding and there's an empty hog trough, the groom has a sword, everyone's inching towards their socks, and there's a group of warriors/thugs congregating in the corner, you know you're about to have a great time.
Kristin: The sign of good times ahead, clearly.
Brat: {laughing} Just got another image of Dave being pelted with socks. Poor Dave.
Kristin: Well, it didn't happen, so we don't have to feel too badly for him.
Brat: True. But it's a good image.
Kristin: Maybe I'll just throw my socks at him when I get home for good measure. You know, because we skipped it at the wedding. It'd be a surprise.
Brat: Hehe - that's an even better image.
Kristin: Well, I'm glad I could help.
- KNP June 8, 2003
