I hope I'm not providing any sort of major news flash when I reveal that one of the most popular pastimes in France is reading, speaking and listening to (hold your breath now) French. It's hard to fathom for those of us to whom the French language is a convoluted maze of gendered nouns and reflexive verbs, but there are a goodly number of people who seem to grasp it quite well, and they use it constantly. My personal grasp of French is extremely fleeting, though I have high hopes for it eventually. Right now I sound like a cross between Tonto and a poofy English schoolmaster ("Me take steak bloody, yes, thank you. Have you the ketchup?"). Beyond trying to come up with phrases that are not only comprehensible but inoffensive (the line between "kiss" and the F-word equivalent in French is precariously thin), I also have to try to understand what's being said around and to me, which is an exhausting endeavor. I come out of meetings conducted in French feeling physically drained from trying to concentrate on a conversation of which I was only realistically going to understand maybe 30% no matter how hard I tried. As I say, I have high hopes for speaking French well someday, but only meager and hard won results today.
When I get fed up to just about here with the French language, I have a few alternatives. I'm used to having a radio at work and popping on a pair of headphones, particularly when I have documents to write or read. My new job has a lot of that kind of work, and in the French office I share space with 3 other people. The headphones are essential to concentration, because although my French colleagues are quieter than their American counterparts, our quarters are much closer. I have a pretty wide selection of CD's of my own, but I also used to like to listen to the radio at work, which is really hard to do in France if all you're looking for is white noise. I catch myself trying to translate the Bouyges telecom ads when I really should be reviewing requirements specifications.
But now here comes web radio to the rescue! This wonderful invention allows me to connect in real-time to a number of San Francisco radio stations that I know and love. Think about this - the next time you're listening to KQED during your morning commute I might just be listening to that same broadcast from the other side of the world, grinning maniacally at the fact that although I hardly understand a word being said around me, and can't find a burrito to save my life, at least I'm not caught in southbound 880 morning hell.
The downside with real-time KQED is that when I listen to it at work it's between midnight and 9 am in San Francisco, and they're not inspired to broadcast their best stuff when most of their local audience has the radio turned off. Today, for instance, there was a 2 hour show about sleeping and sleep deprivation. I couldn't help thinking it was a bit cruel to be playing a show about sleep deprivation at 2 am - aren't most people who are listening at that time suffering from sleep deprivation? There's no need to rub their noses in it.
As far as music radio goes, I am a very popular person, demographically speaking. I'm still comfortably in the 18 to 34 age bracket, though not as comfortably as I used to be. I have a reasonable amount of disposable income, at least according to advertisers, to whom basically every last cent you have in your pocket is a reasonable amount of disposable income if they can have it. I'm also a woman, and advertisers are heavily focused on trying to get women to buy more stuff, even if that means promoting pink power tools (have you seen these? They crack me up).
While this sort of popularity doesn't help fill up my Saturday nights, it does mean that catering to my favorite musical tastes (80's pop music - no comments from the peanut gallery please) is the best way for radio advertisers to reach me. I can listen to a couple of bay area "retro" stations even while in France, and there are also a ton of "net only" stations available on web radio that specialize in 80's music. Net stations are essentially set play lists with ads interspersed that I connect to and then run like a CD or tape. They have a much wider variety of songs than I ever want or need in my personal music collection. These stations have made me very happy, albeit a little nervous that someone will find out what sort of synthesized pop songs in heavily drummed 4/4 time I'm listening to. Even so, I've come across songs I haven't heard in 15 years, which I love, especially if they're really cheesy songs like "Ice Ice Baby" or really obscure songs like Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy". I'm the sort of person who hears the first 3 bars of a song you've never heard in your life and goes apoplectic, squealing "Oh my GOD I used to LOVE this song!" As my mother says, there's no accounting for taste.
But being part of today's hot demographic has a seedy side as well, an element that makes me uncomfortable. The fact that I can now freely listen to music I haven't heard in ages has revealed something extremely disturbing to me. I remember way too many song lyrics than can possibly be healthy.
For example, a few weeks ago I was back in California and I heard the Spandau Ballet song "True" on the radio. That's no problem, a lot of stations still play that song and it was very popular in its heyday. But when I was 13 I was a die-hard Spandau Ballet fan - I had all their albums (admit it - you had no idea they released more than one album huh?). I realize now that the Spandaus were effeminate British twits in flowing silk pirate shirts, but at the time I was enamored of them.
So in a fit of nostalgia, I went to Rasputin's and bought a Spandau Ballet CD. Listening to it had the disturbing effect of revealing that I still know almost all the words to the entire CD. You know what this means, don't you? It means that valuable brain space is being taken up by the words to "Gold"! Brain space that could be dedicated to finding the cure for cancer or to Making More Money (insert Sally Struthers joke here). Brain space that I could be committing to the betterment of mankind! Instead, all I have there are the words "Gold! Always believe in your soul! You've got the power to know! You're indestructible!" What does that mean, anyway? At 13, I figured I'd understand it when I was older. Now I am older and I still have no clue what they were trying to get at. It makes me feel a little empty, you know?
There are a lot of lyrics like that, particularly in 80's and early 90's music - either confusing or outright bizarre. I have no desire to shock Peter Gabriel's monkey, no matter what he's done for Amnesty International. It's weird of him to even ask. I'm still not sure if I qualify as nasty by Janet's standards, but I'll call her "Miss Jackson" just to be on the safe side. When MeatLoaf sings that "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that", what is it exactly that he won't do? I asked Dave this question and he replied "Use Microsoft products". That sounds like a reasonable stance to me, but I don't think Mr. Loaf is the kind of guy who would get that worked up over the ubiquitous Windows/Mac/Unix/Linux operating system wars.
If trying to wrap my mind around what have to be cocaine-induced lyrics gets me down, there are other auditory pleasures to be had from the web. NPR maintains an archive of the show This American Life, which is probably my favorite thing to come out of public radio, ever (although "Car Talk" is a close second). It's not good for white noise, because it's story telling, and you have to really listen to it, but it's a wonderful show for listening to at home, and I would have missed it terribly over here if not for the web.
For the lightest fare I can think of, CyberRadio2000.com has an entire net station dedicated to TV theme songs and a second one devoted to vintage TV commercials. I'm not kidding here! These are really excellent for white noise, and they're pretty fun, too! CyberRadio.com has most of the best stations in my opinion. Their library is enormous and they have a station for just about any kind of music you might want to explore.
I'm still investigating the width and breadth of what's available to me here via the web. But what I've found so far has elevated my confidence that I can continue enjoying embarrassing music in the privacy of my home and headphones, and that I need not discontinue my ongoing quest to figure out what a "Sussudio" is. If you know, could you drop me a line? Thanks.
- KNP Jan 11, '01
Author's Note: Just as I started proofreading this essay, the Web Radio station I'm listening to started playing Spandau Ballet's "Gold"! Swear to God! I'm listening to it right now as I write this. It looks like 2001 is gonna be a good year!
